Celluloid Blonde

Films are perpetuating harmful and out-of-date sexual, racial and gender stereotypes, according to the biggest-ever study of its kind into cinema audiences’ opinions.

Of 4,315 adults across the UK who were surveyed, a clear majority believe cinema too often falls back on discredited stereotypes, including sexless older women, drug dealing, oversexualised black people and gay people whose lives are dominated by their sexuality.

Almost two-thirds of those questioned believe older women are “significantly underrepresented” in films. They are rarely portrayed as sexual beings and are, generally, only given marginal roles, according to the findings, published exclusively in the Guardian today.

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In Zoolander, Ben Stiller plays a male model who only knows how to make one facial expression in front of a camera: Blue Steel. Most of us have Facebook friends with their own version of Blue Steel — a particular facial expression (or if they’ve had a few drinks, body part) that comes out every time someone tells them to say cheese. Well, it turns out that some of Hollywood’s most iconic actors are no different when it comes to selling their movie. For instance …

BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up.

According to Dr. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Collins manages to drop the goddamn ball every single time, the 32-year-old sales associate represents a major conundrum for modern science.

“We’ve never seen these cognitive abilities in a human subject before,” said Moore, adding that Collins invariably misses important appointments, fails to call loved ones on their birthdays, and runs out of gas at busy intersections. “Probability dictates that even the biggest fuckups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Erik. We observed him making breakfast in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times he ended up with an inedible gray mush.”

“Seriously, how does anyone screw up toast?” Moore added.

In their attempt to study the brain mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence —

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